Just choose one! You can’t have them all? - by Rema Kahsay

Polyamory for those that don’t know is having intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. My favourite analogy is seeing polyamory like friendships; you have different friends for different reasons, and one is not necessarily more important than the other. Any questions you have, I have probably heard them all. Do you get jealous? How many partners do you have? Do they all know each other? My other favourite question of all time is being asked if I just have orgies all the time.

This constant annoying question made me reflect on the fact that many people are misinformed about open relationships/polyamory. I took to Instagram to ask my followers what they thought about polyamory, what it means to them and if they thought they could be poly. I got an interesting mix of feedback, most outlined that it takes a certain level of maturity and emotional honesty to be in this non-conventional relationship, whilst others highlighted that they’ve encountered difficulties getting potential partners on board.

This leads me to ask, is polyamory for everyone? Is it something everyone should try? I’ll give you some background as to how I stumbled upon this form of loving.

I’d been online dating since I was 18, being a black queer woman, the pool of people that I could potentially be seeing in the city that is London, is surprisingly reduced, so you almost end up dating everyone. I realised the idea of being ‘open’ was great but I wasn’t mature enough to be polyamorous and needed to work through my jealousy issues and insecurities. I revisited the idea again after a break up with a long-term partner, I set my intentions with still wanting to feel intimacy as well as keeping it casual, because I wanted to focus on advancing my career.

It has been eight months since I entered polyamory, and I could not speak more highly of it. It has taught me so much about myself, where my jealousy stemmed from, how to work through it and the two most important lessons, to be honest and communicative. However, the heart-break felt through the many encounters I’ve had made me observant of partners’ reactions to this big piece of information I shared.

Let’s be honest, as much as the West likes to think they’re forward thinking and liberal, polyamory is still seen as a taboo. From my own observations, I’ve seen that polyamory is honestly not for everyone, one reason being most people already lack emotional honesty, so to not be honest about how you are feeling and the inability to work through it, is a downfall.

Another factor is, many people are misinformed and don’t do their own research which leads them to proceed into this non-mainstream relationship in a monogamous manner, which personally I think is not always applicable. It would be interesting to hear what TCR readers think of this subject, let me know if you are polyamorous, has it been successful or disastrous for you? What about those of you who have never heard of having multiple partners? Do you consider it taboo?

- Rema

You can reach our contributor Rema via her Instagram and Twitter . Keep the conversation going by hash tagging #RemaTalks.

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