I have been going to therapy for over 3 months now and I honestly don't know where I would be without it. Not just therapy but my friends, partner, and my journals. For so many years I have been suppressing my feelings, thoughts, fears, abuse, and trauma. But not anymore, baby! Not anymore. In February I told my mother about the abuse, she seemingly believed it for a month or so, but it all left our relationship dangling from the cliff edge.
Between then and now I have been fighting a constant battle with my family to be accepted, heard, believed....and loved. The feeling of emotional abandonment has toughened the shit out of me. It's been hard and heart-breaking to say the least. I realised that the people I have been calling family are not acting the way a family should, whatever the fuck that means. I’ve had to realise that I am my own family, the people closest to me are my family.
I told my therapist that it breaks my heart to think that I have ended up here...alone. I know I’m not completely alone, but sometimes I feel that way and when I do, it puts me into this state of darkness where everything must end because it's so hard and I've convinced myself that I can't take this pain any longer. After crying for hours and talking to those supporting me, I realise that the universe only allows you experience certain things because it knows you can handle them. It knows certain situations will strengthen you and encourage your growth.
Boundaries have had to be set. I'm not here to walk on eggshells for anyone, I’m not going to keep my mouth shut in order to make others comfortable. I'm just not. Accountability has to be taken for what has happened!
To whoever is reading this, please know that good and better days are ahead of you even though it may not look or feel like it right now. You have so much strength within you. That strength is waiting for you to find it and use it for the battles ahead. I know this because I'm in the same position as you. I'm slowly putting it all together and fuck does it feels good to stand up for myself and speak my goddamn truth.
Your voice matters! Your truth matters! The only people who encourage your silence are those who do not support you, who do not want you to evolve or grow. If you are not able to use your voice, start journaling. Start creating art to express those hidden pains you have been carrying. Be one of the voices that ends stigmas and shaming.
- Roxanne Ivy