I have been fat for as long as I can remember. My fatness has been a factor in everything I have done up until now. Its determined where I go, what I do and who I interact with. You see, when you move through this life in a body that is deemed not only unattractive but completely unacceptable it affects the choices you make and how you go about doing things.
For the best part of my life I hated my body. I covered it up as much as I could and shuddered at the thought of anyone seeing it bare and in its natural form. Now, I've covered how my fatness has affected almost every aspect of my life but I never go into detail about one thing. And that is my sex life.
I was 17 the first time I had sex. If I had a chance it would have been sooner if I'm perfectly honest—not because I was under some sort of pressure to have sex early but I was always just a very sexual person, I just didn't let it show. That was in part because I am from an extremely rural part of Scotland where everyone is either your family or you've known them since you were in nappies.
So it wasn't until I left home and moved to Glasgow that I finally had sex and it happened fast. I mean really fast, about 3 weeks after I moved in fact. My body and weight never stopped me from having sex but it did affect the way I had sex. I think for the first 25 times I did it I was practically fully clothed. Even though these men wanted to have sex with me because they found me attractive there was still a part of me that thought if they saw what was under my clothes they would be turned off and want to leave.
I didn't just try to cover up my body, I actively tried to avoid anything during sex that would make me look bigger. So going on top was a big no for me. It was such a strange experience because I saw myself as someone who was incredibly sexual and really wanted to experiment—but I just couldn't bring myself to act upon any of my fantasies or desires for fear of the person finding out just how fat I was. Which in itself is a ridiculous thought. I mean, no one all of a sudden gets 10x bigger just because their clothes come off.
It wasn't until I was 20 years old that I felt comfortable enough to be naked in front of someone, that's 3 years of having sex before I thought it was ok for me to actually get undressed for an activity that is notoriously better when completely naked and feeling that skin to skin contact with your partner.
Reaching the age of 20 and finally starting to enjoy sex bit by bit lines up perfectly with my discovery of body positivity. The more I started to accept and appreciate my body the better my sex life became. That is due to the fact that I started spending more and more time with my body. I spent time looking at it, undressed in all its glory. I did normal everyday activities completely naked.
I would take pictures of my naked body just for myself, just so I could look at it from different angles and appreciate its beauty. I clearly remember the first time someone else made me orgasm. It was my first sexual experience where I threw myself into it fully and was completely comfortable with every inch of myself and that allowed me to relax and just enjoy the sex.
I wasn't worrying about how I looked and it allowed me to just soak up all the pleasure of the moment. It was an amazing feeling but also a strange one. It made me look back at all my previous sexual encounters and think how good they could have been. The fact that I went 3 years without feeling skin to skin contact with any of my partners, the fact I never climbed on top and took control, the fact I never asked another person for what I truly wanted all astound me.
Of course, there are still limitations to what my fat body can do in bed. There will always be certain positions or acts that are a little bit more uncomfortable when you're in a fat body. These all vary from person to person. I know fat women who love doggy, I am one of them, but for others it can be a difficult position especially if your partner is also bigger. It's all about being comfortable enough to try new things out, I used to think I couldn't get into certain positions because I had been conditioned to think that fat people are not flexible and can't move the same ways that thin people do.
In some cases that may be true but for the most part I was amazed at what my body allowed me to do. It allows me to bend, move and lay in different positions, it allows me to have orgasm after orgasm, it allows me to squirt, it allows me to give pleasure to my partners, it allows me to embrace others, it allows me to lay with others in magical moments, and all of these things are remarkable.
Finally making peace with my body has given me so much pleasure and happiness its difficult to even put it into words. Sex in a fat body is fucking incredible. I never thought I would get to say those words. For years I thought I was destined to have boring, uncomfortable sex where I felt as though I couldn't even show my skin. I am so SO glad I was wrong about that.
I am so glad I found self love and acceptance. I'm glad that I can fully enjoy my own body. So, if you're fat and reading this and are still struggling to let yourself fully enjoy sex, remember this: You are beautiful. Your partner knows you are fat already and yes, they are still attracted to you. You are allowed to ask for what you want. You are allowed to be naked. You are allowed to feel that pleasure. Let your fat body enjoy itself because it deserves it.
- Kaitlin Hutchison