Sobriety & Sexual Exploration - by Steph Hackley

As someone who in school was the short dumpy one and having 2 best friends who were tall, beautiful and slim, I always felt the need to lose my virginity first. Feeling like I was “the personality” of the group meant that I always drank to excess to amp up the fun and to hide my insecurities. So from losing virginity at 15 to getting sober at 29, I spent 14 years having a lot of drunk sex, there were a few sober times but all in all I was there in body but not in mind.

You read about women who’ve never had an orgasm and in the back of my mind I’d think ‘is that me? I must’ve had one - I enjoy sex so I must’ve had one’. In the end I suppose I just thought that my orgasms were just not as intense as other women’s and of course I ALWAYS told my partner “yes, I came, it was amazing”.
At 29 my drinking had become too extreme, I was making myself sick to the point where my only option was to stop.

All sorts of things run through your mind when you stop drinking like “how do you get to the stage of having sex without drinking? What if I never have sex again?”. So I bought myself a vibrator and started experimenting with myself, that is when I believe I had my first real orgasm. It wasn’t all fireworks like you read about, it was more like a sneeze, the build up and the let go. But this is when I realised that I’d never had an orgasm with a partner.

I then met someone who was very careful with me and treated me with kindness and no pressure, we ended up having a sexual relationship. He was very open sexually and would ask me what I liked but I couldn’t answer because I didn’t even know myself.

It’s been nearly a year since that relationship and I now feel more comfortable talking openly about sex with my new partner, unfortunately I still haven’t had an orgasm with my partner but he knows my situation and is willing to help me work towards that goal. By exploring the mind and body connection, I have great hope for the future (at least now I know what I’m working towards) and no longer have to lie to make other people feel better.

So as you say, girls? DEATH TO FAKING IT!

- Steph Hackley

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