Writhing naked on my bedroom floor, I saw myself as something likened to the underworld goddess, Lilith. With her hands dug into the ground, enjoying the moist soil on her skin and feeling total connection and oneness between the body and the heartbeat of the earth. During this vision, I worked myself up to an orgasm, using nothing else but energy and complete abandonment.
I hadn’t been able to connect to my body before; in fact, I found it hard to be naked for long periods of time – even after a shower or sex with my partner. I didn’t feel my soul fit into it, wasn’t anchored deep into its root – bare feet planted on the floor and enjoying this experience of humanness. I was always more comfortable ‘up there’ in meditation, dreams, shamanic journeying; anywhere that wasn’t in the physical, I felt safe.
Sex was something my mind wanted but my body rejected. For years I felt as though I’d inevitably dry up six or so months into a new relationship; I could almost set my calendar by it. Of course, being a woman who just didn’t feel like opening up, I assumed the problem was me because all my partners were ready and willing.
I read articles and books, took Maca powder in my smoothies, and drank Damiana herbal tea; I embraced every remedy that promised to arouse me, but to no avail. I had the ability to orgasm, sure, when the urge took me, and I was alone. Showerheads usually did it, something external that was not another body but also not mine.
Stimulation with an eject button I pushed on my brain, I’d run through fantasy after fantasy until I built up and could ‘release’, where afterwards, I’d come back to the room, rinse off and get dressed as though I hadn’t been there at all. It’s fitting to say that instead of full presence, absence felt much easier.
The bliss often spoken about that one is to experience through the pleasure centres, I have only truly felt through divine presence, or energy current; I am elevated, altered and open to receive and this pleasure expands my being in ways that cannot be measured. My heart must connect during any pleasure, I’ve discovered – hence the shutting down of my body whenever I didn’t feel held properly through this kind of sacredness.
Sacredness and sex are one and the same. The very energy a woman uses to create, to love, to trust, to connect is the very same vibration as sex – the ultimate life force. I came to fully experience this when I began to work with my body from the ground up, using energy healing to work on the very place this power rests in a woman.
Discovering the art of breath, I could feel more within, sending breath up and down my spine and through my legs, my skin felt as though it hummed with magic. During a sound bath and healing session in Glastonbury, the beautiful sound healer drummed a Shamanic drum at my womb, stirring up in me some ancestral recall – a primal feminine awakening.
One day I decided to journey into meditation as is usual for me before I begin my self-healing practice. I saw a raw, naked woman looking back at me with wet, bedraggled hair. She was covered in mud and streaked with menstrual blood; she was a creature of Mother Earth, birthed directly into womanhood by nature.
I was looking into her dark brown eyes and my body started to pulsate from the inside out. I could feel the cool grass we were both standing on in contrast with the warmth of the thick petrichor in the air. She stepped forward and kissed me, I felt it right in the core of me. Lust took over, guilt-free delicious lust. I ran my hands up and down her body, feeling part of her like I was the blood and earth itself.
I physically took my clothes off, but kept my eyes closed to hold onto this inner vision. I lay down on the rug and opened my legs and it felt as if the energy of Mother Earth rushed up into me. I undulated, bucked and left my body open to receive. Arms out and nowhere near my skin, I let myself be caressed by my own sensations.
I didn’t touch myself, but I knew I was wet, and like a serpent, the bliss snaked its way up from my vagina all the way through me up to my heart and back down again where I’d feel another surge. Meanwhile I kissed and kissed this primal feminine so lusciously, touched her everywhere, breathed hard and full into her body.
I could feel it mounting, it was going to happen, and I opened up more and more to let it ride as strongly as it wanted to. I climaxed long and powerfully, leaving me panting and elated. I had done it; I had used my own body to pleasure myself through the potency of indulging in divinity. The primal feminine that I made love to was me.
It doesn’t necessarily take a spiritual belief for a hands-free orgasm, nor do you have to sit in meditation to achieve pleasure. But know that it is absolutely possible. What I realised is that you have to see yourself as divine, see yourself as a goddess, allow the primal feminine in you to claim her birth right – she is after all the embodiment of creation.
Since knowing that it was me all along that could conjure up this sexual bliss, I’ve been able to do it again and again, still with no hands, and even no visions - just sensing myself through the lens in which the ultimate goddess, Mother Earth saw to create me.
I recognise myself now as gorgeous flesh as well as a mind and soul and they belong to one and the same idea: an extraordinary manifestation of something transcendent and beautiful.
- Stephanie Victoire
Connect with Stephanie;
Instagram (personal) - https://www.instagram.com/stephanie_victoire/
Instagram (healing business) - https://www.instagram.com/petalandmossapothecary/
Website - https://www.petalandmoss.com/